Very Terrible Experience

Sorry for posting so much negative events in my blog recently. Just leave if you don't like it.

This happened on the day one of my major assignments due.
I was spending like 3 weeks to do this important assignment. 3 weeks!! I seldom start my assignment 3 weeks before it due. Whether I fail or pass this unit all depends on this assignment. It worth 50% of the average mark for this unit. Counseling and Psychotherapy theories and Practice is a unit that I never touch before. I never done the prerequisite for this unit. I was totally blank during the first few weeks of the lectures and tutorials. I don't understand what is psychotherapy, I don't understand any of the terms that the lecturer use, I don't know what is counseling, I don't know how to counsel people... Did I tell you that I'm the one and only Asian in my tutorial? I have no friends in my tut. I'm alone. Most of the students in my tut are psychology students. They are smart and they know so much more than the Nutrition and Dietetics students. We are required to talk a lot and expressed our opinions for the activities. We have to practise in groups as a counselor or a client or an observer. We have to demonstrate a counseling session in the major assignment. Counseling tut is the most stressful tut ever. I'm scared and I'm always giggling. I seldom express my opinion and keep quiet all the time. I never give up anyway. I always take it as a challenge rather than a barrier to learn. My biggest fear is speaking/sharing story with random people. I'm happy that I could do it better and better each week. I worked harder, I tried to absorb and learn the counseling skills and I even get my friends to practice together. I could say it bravely that I never skip any of the counseling tut even I have an exam on that day.

Because of this assignment, I spent so much time to film the counseling session. I felt extremely bad that I wasted so much of my client's time and he still so keen to help! A big big thank you for you and sorry. Because of this assignment, I've seen a counselor before. I actually talked about something private with her and observed her counseling skills at the same time. Because of this assignment, I forfeited my time on doing research and rarely studied for my mid-sem exam, which was 3 days before this assignment due. Because of this assignment, I did not sleep for at least 2 days! I look 10 years older now! Because of this assignment, I made my first step to make an appointment with the learning adviser. The story begin here!

Well, I haven't slept for 2 days! My assignment due on friday 9pm and I booked the 9am appointment on Thursday. I slept at 7am and accidentally overslept. When I arrived the adviser's room, I sincerely apologise to her but how she responded to me was rude. I haven't had my assignment done so didn't get to print it out before seeing the adviser and I just carried my lappy all the way to uni on my tired body. When I just met the adviser, she was like "I need you to understand that my job is to help students in their assignments and I won't be typing in your computer." Yes I do understand that. It was my first time to be there so she required some of my info. She was asking me what unit I'm doing and I said PYB208. I told her that I'm not sure about the name of the unit, it's something come with counseling theory and practice. She was like freaked out that I don't remember the unit name I'm doing. WTH??!!! It's not surprised at all. Who the hell will remember the freaking long and complicated name of the unit? At least I remember the unit code (the most important thing). I think it was a misunderstanding. I think she supposed to ask me about my course rather than the unit. 'Coz she did mention something about that was her first time seeing a psychology student towards the end of the session. After getting the personal information, she was like "Why are you late? Do you know how many students need this appointment... bla bla bla bla bla.. " Well, I explained to her honestly. Get back to the assignment. She didn't help at all. She was like wasting time picking out the typing error in the criteria sheet and pulling out all those fucking comments irrelevant to the assignment. Is typing error a big matter?? I don't think she never have typing error before man!! Shut up!! She then asked me to show her the question sheet. I showed her the question sheet that we printed out in week one and explained to her that we were not doing what was required in that sheet anymore, everything was changed and based on the new criteria sheet and we didn't have a new proper question sheet. She started argue with me again that the question sheet was written 2010, assignment due date 24th september 2010.... the question required us to write critique not theory & argument..... and then asked me to be clear what is question sheet and what is criteria sheet and told me she is there to help u to break the questions not about getting high score bla bla bla bla bla... Hello, don't you understand what I said???? the lecturer changed his requirement!!! we have to follow the new criteria not the ancient old question sheet!! She still showing me the date written on the old question sheet and asked me to be clear of what she said. I'm speechless. I'm a person who don't like to argue with people. I already have enough stressed and I finally broke down at the end of the session. I was emo till the max! I just can't control my emo and my tears anymore.. Before I left, she said to me "you will pass." I replied "yup". She said again "I mean your feeling. It doesn't mean you will pass your assignment." This is fucking rude man!!! 欠扁到暴!!!! seriously feel like slapping her when I think back now!!! I can't believe that I still can be so polite to her "Thanks for your help"!!! SHIT
Ok, this is really not ok!! She screwed my emotion, she screwed my confident, she screwed my life!!! I was FML till the max!!! I ran to a friend's house from uni with uncontrollable tears flowing down my cheeks.. Never feel that shame before. It's like what I did for my assignment is not appreciated and graded as fail. WTF!!!! My mood totally spoiled and no heart to continue to work for that assignment. I ended up writing sufficient words with some irrelevant points and submitted it. I never feel that bad when I submit my assignment. She might be right. I will fail my assignment! What she said to me seriously affect my emotion. Even now when I think back. It's really hurt. I'm seriously unmotivated to work on any of my assignment.

Ok, please don't ever mention about this bitch in front of me again! Not even the "great time" I had her to devalue my works and personality!! I seriously will get cranky and rude!!

That's all!! Bye

When you see the sign, keep away from me!

Sometimes I'm wondering whether I have mental disorder or 双从人格 or 狂躁症 that cause by hormone disorder or nutritional deficiency.
Cranky till burst!!!

Awkward Feeling

It's a very unusual day~ I used to be happy and day dreaming a lot when I found myself extra time to sleep. I used to enjoy my breakfast and I always wish I could have more time to spend on breakfast before continue my day. I used to talk a lot. I used to be very excited when I found someone in the living room. I used to say hi. I used to be very annoying. I used to...

But all things go in different ways today. Things just happen like that when i woke up. I'm not happy when I woke up. My tears dropped with no reason. I don't know why. I'm just not happy. I don't like my breakfast and I felt like it took me ages to finish it. I'm no longer felt excited when I saw my housemate sitting on the couch when I go downstair. I didn't say hi to her. I didn't talk. I'm kind of mean to her when she talked to me. I felt bad. But I just feel like being alone today. Not talking, not doing anything, not seeing anyone, just have my own time~

I never have this strong feeling for quite a long while. maybe years~ or even a decade~ I can't really describe how I feel now. It's something like when you have a cut and someone add some salt on your wound. or like a knife stabbed in the heart. My brain goes blank. I can't think of anything that could lead me to think wisely, to do something right, to control over my emotion. I'm just so emo!! I might broke down any moment.

Sorry if I offend or insult you today. I just feel not ok! Is that a symptom of depression?

How do I look like when i take off my mask?

I know sometimes I can be very noisy, annoying, happy, hyperactive, hiao, cranky...
but what do you think about me when I close my door being alone in my room?
What am I actually thinking about myself?

I'm quiet, naive, pessimistic, hiding my true feeling, "innocent", retarded, inferior, private...
I feel nothing good about myself..

From inside, I have very bad tempered that could raise my crankiness from level 1 to level 7 in 1 second. It can be a very small bit of thing that bothering me a lot. My babe might be only person that know this very well~ I'm so sorry for my crankiness and complaining stuff incessantly. At the same time, thank you for being so tolerant all the time~ xoxo

For my appearance, I'm not pretty and I don't have good make up skills to lighten up myself.
I don't have a model looking body that has lowered my self-esteem. People do compare you with other people all the time. Make sure you get yourself in the best state all the time. I really couldn't stand the "eyesight" from skinny girls on the street, looking at my body from my head to my leg. This is so mean and I felt so offended!!! There's nothing wrong with people with a little fat aye? You're lucky that you're borne to be naturally skinny. Not everyone like you have the fortune to have perfect body shapes! If everyone looked the same then there won't be anything unique about a person anymore. Get a life! Tell you a true story about me, I cried for two days for being called 'big size' by an odious guy that I not even know him and I'm still kind of mind about this issue (I mean my body image) even now~ You might know bits of this if you read my blog about body image. Like how guys look at girls body, underweight girls telling me that they are on diet stuff.. I'm struggling with this feeling all the time. The feeling just won't fade no matter how hard I tried like losing a bit weight by having sleeping & eating disorder. Of course it was a small encouragement for me but what happen when get back to normal life and I gained back the weight? It's a bigger shame for myself.

Academic performance?? Can die! Stressing about my assignments and assessments all the time. I'm a good procrastinator~ I leave everything until the last minute and then die for it.

I'm a very disorganise person. I have all the papers on the table and they are more than enough to build a coffin. I have things on the floor, on my bed, on top of the storage boxes, basically everywhere~ I tried to sort them out but they will go back to their original position (before clearing up) eventually~ I give up! You can say that I lost of interest very quickly, in the other way, I am heartless to maintain a behaviour change~

Privacy is always my priority. My cranky level is 10 if you cross that line. But I will be ok if you be honest to me. I HATE LIAR!!! I feel like slapping people acting fake. The story has to be started from once upon a time.. Betrayer should die! That really hurt when you found out that your close friends/BFF betrayed you. I always believe that people will treat you back the way you treat people. If you accept people with open-heart, you care, you share, you be nice. Of course you will have good return. Things just don't go the way you think. The word I can think of to describe myself is naive. Innocent? No way! not even associated. Stupid is the 2nd word!

Why would I become a shopaholic? Having my closet bombarded with new clothes and loads of them remain unwear, new!! BNOH - Brand New on Hanger~
Study stressed? that's an excuse.. I can tell to be honest..
Too much money no where to spend? Hell NO!! That cause me financial crisis! Unless I married a very rich guy or knocked up by a rich man and required him to responsible for that by marrying me~ Duh~ Do I look like that kind of person?
okay, this is what I think about myself that how I turn into a shopaholic. shopping is actually a way that I use to indulge myself, make myself feel better, feel like at least I have something better than the others because I have loads of nice clothes? It's all about feeling.. Comparative? Competitive? Maybe not, I don't really compete with the others. How can I explain more about this? Let's say you are not good in study, you kind of looked down by the others, you feel so inferior, you couldn't mix well with your friends. You definitely will try to improve yourself in other way in order to cope in the society aye? Maybe in a sense of fashion, sports, hobbies, music, stage performance, design, just any career so that you could mix up in that herd? Things group in kinds. So does people do. If you want to survive or to be more outstanding in that herd, you have to be special, you need to sacrifice, you need to contribute, you have to SHINE. No pain no gain. If you think that you are dull in particular way, turn around and see what you do well and what you impressed about yourself, something that make you proud and shine~

Negative feelings don't always come to my mind but the concentration is ultimately high today~ That's all about devil Jasmine.

Bye!

Looking backward

I'm stuck with my study, busy with my assignments, slow-tortured by EBP module exercises, drowned in counseling & theory stuff, murdered by practical report write-up... all those never ending negative thoughts lead me to my blog. I read my previous posts, looked at the last photos that I posted up, I realised how much I have changed, how much I have achieved or not and most importantly how long I haven't been here. I realised my blog is a place where I release my anger, my frustration, where I share my happiness, my joy and here is the best place to Procrastinate.

This week is not a productive week again~ I planned to do this and do that and only 30% of my study goal achieved. It's a FAIL!!! room cleaning up? 0% achieved. eeuuu... my table is in a messed. I think I could bury a snake or a crocodile with my notes and papers! ask me about my Entertainment goal. I would give myself a 300% Awesomest High Distinction!! Boo me..

Other than study stuff, there are more stuff sticking into my head that bother my mind t0 do the wise things. Time is the monster. Time is the killer. Time burst your bubble dreams. Time wake you up. I need more time. I wish time could go faster. I'm not good at managing time. I suck!

Get a life!

Clarification

Something wrong with my coding thingy in my previous post. I couldn't type out the BMI reference range for some unknown reason. I tried to correct it couple of times but still fail so give up.

Body Image

This is a recent pic of me that took couple of days ago at DFO. What word would you use to describe my body image?
Obese? Overweight? Fat? Moderate? Slender? Skinny? Lean?

My body weight is under 50kg and my height is 161cm. Average BMI 19 - 20 which fall in lower normal range.

Every girl do concern about their weight, BMI and most importantly the appearance of body image. Guys would never understand how these things could simply irritate or mentally abuse a girl's feeling by taking that as a joke. Guys, sometimes you might not mean it, but what you use to describe a girl's body image could broke her crystal heart. So please mind your words to prevent any unpleasant feeling for the girl that you are not actually mean it.

I personally think that I have a moderate and healthy body even though my arms and shoulders are a bit bigger, meaty, runny, wide... I lose my self-esteem when I look at those skinny girls with tall, lean, S shape body, long and thin arms and legs. I can feel the jealousy in my eyes and my heart and I started to imagine how could I transform myself into a kind of them. I try to control my diet but I lose to temptation. Work out some physical activities would never be my choice (don't you know that I hate exercise and sweating?). Avoid all the junks doesn't help much. It won't help me to get through the underweight group.

I know I do look a bit fat compare to those typical skinny girls. I'm so heart broken to be called fat and "大隻" (big size). I'm fine with little fat but I would never think that my body is so damn terrible until to be called big size. It's so heart breaking and I'm totally broke down. I feel bad even more when I heard those skinny underweight girls saying they are fat and want to lose weight. You will have only skin and bone left if you really mean it! That hurts people so much!!!

You will look like this



like it, girls?? GO FOR IT!!!! You are so fucking idiot! Guys, don't ya love your girlfriends to be look so "delicious", do ya?

I'm wondering what's wrong with this world? How guys define good body looking? The BMI grouping should be downgrade like

<15>23 overweight

As a future dietitian, is my job gonna be molding all the ladies into anorexia type to be called pretty? If it is, I am NOT qualified to be a dietitian and I would give up my job. 'Coz that is called very unhealthy for me and the world gonna be 80% people overweight and obese! I will need to work until my pant drop to help people with BMI > 18 to fit into the incredible, awesome anorexia body size or I should say guys' desire body size. Most importantly, I will be listed into overweight group how could I pursue people anyway? This world is so depressing. I will be more than happy to sing So happy I could die in the coffin. Thanks Lady GaGa for writing that song. It would be my greatest entertainment when I were 6 feet under.

I'm really truly feel sad about this world. What I can do to minimise my body size is making myself to have eating disorder and bulimia. These are the 2 ways that I could think of, which might help myself to go down 1 or 2 size. Nothing wrong with or proud to be wearing size 8 was what I always think of but the world doesn't think so. I have to wake up!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UPP!!!! Size 8 is effing terrible! You're fat!! YOU ARE SO DAMN FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

My dear house mates, hope I didn't frighten you. I really need to cut down my weight a bit. Please don't tempt me on food. I really mean it. I have no face no status to live in the world with this mad cow massive body.

**END OF SEMESTER CELEBRATION**

Finally my exam is over!!! I can have fun and doing something officially that known as "procrastination" during exam period! WOOT!! Skip the exam part, coz I'm really not impressed by my performance. I gonna be grumbling again like 2000 words if the exam topic continue.

Yea, I had my very first post-exam celebration with my colleagues right after the exam.

Station 1: Sizzler

Love the food especially their salad bar. People who love salad, Sizzler is highly recommended!
The salad bar is like buffet style. My diet plan all destroyed in 1 night :'(

Cheese Toast!!

The legendary potato skin!! Mad Nice!!

Caesar Salad~ *love love*

My beautifully decorated chocolate ice-cream!
There is a bunch of kids like "eeuu euu eeeeuu eeeeuuu... I'm not gonna eat this. I will vomit if I have to eat this."
I was like "there is something very wrong with you for not loving chocolate"
It's personal preference. Can't argue. Stop being childish. Owh.. I forgot they are kids.

My lovely colleague, the NUDies (Nutrition and Dietetics I mean)

Left to right: Samantha, Mai, Izyan

Left to right: Ruth, Bonnie, Joyce

and of course ME!!

This is a simple yet fun celebration after exam. Goodnight everyone and have a great holidays! Have a safe trip and please remember to miss me^^

HOLIDAY BEGIN:

Day 1: Holiday Begin!!
Can't believe that I slept more than half of a day after exam. I get up at 1:30pm!!! My coffin is effing comfy!! Need to get up and go to Chermside to look for a bag for mom^^

I'm wearing the honey brown medium wig with my navy blue and white stripes dress from Valley Girl~

Okay, I have a very serious question! According to the 2 pics above, how old am I do you think?
I met this 2 cute little girls, one 4 years old and one 2.5 years old at David Jones bed linen department.
One of them ask me:"are you a mummy?"
Me:"No." (was damn mad in my heart)
Girl:"Who are you?"
Me:"I'm just a girl"
Girl:"Of course you're a girl"

bla bla bla


Skip all those random conversation.


By the way, do I really look like a mom?? Is that mean I look old or I really look like someone's mommy? Kids don't lie. SOB....

I bought this cute little dress from Forever New!
Original Price $99.95
but i bought it!!!
'coz i love it!!
another reason: It's on sale and my size is available!!
70% off!! how could i resist the temptation??
OOhhh GOossshhHHH!!!
spending $$ again.
Unable to get mom's bag but stuff for myself
but not feeling guilty at all
erm.. maybe yes.. Guilty Pleasure

Seriously shopaholic!

2nd round celebration with my housemates + Welcome home Jimmy
Kim, Stella, Jimmy, Sok, Mung and me had steamboat!
We have tonkotsu soup and tom yam soup.

My favourite, fish ball with shrimp filling.

After dinner we watch FIFA World Cup. Japan vs Netherlands and Australia vs Ghana.
Freaking tired now and I have to wake up at 8:30am for SHOPPING at DFO!!
goodnight^^

xoxo
Jasmine

Last Post before exam

OMFG!!! Can't believe that I actually let Kimmy put up the freaking retard video of me in her blog!!! I will have no image after that spread out widely~ My life is screwed by exams!! but I have awesome post during exams. Not that I don't need to study! I stayed up whole night from sunset till sunrise and not even give the ipad a glance! ipad is just sitting next to me~ what i'm really interested in is my warm and lovely coffin.

I have to shout out proudly that "I haven't put on any make up on my face more than 2 weeks!!!" Not even to the exams! This is my 1st casual makeup of the month and my outfit to uni for my last exam of the semester. Okay, I know! very pale! come on!! 2 weeks sleep dept so don't expect so much k? I know I look 30 years older now. No concealer no foundation no base. Better than without make up show in 3rd pic larr..

Extremely ugly!! The clothe I bought ages but no courage to wear out!
Fat what!!
Only can wear in my room show "zhou gong" (one of the chinese god who control sleep and dream) larr..

Kim w/o sleep whole night rushing her funding stuff with this great hair!

Ad for ipad
Hermes zai (crocodile) also want to be a star!

Time to do my final revision. Ciao~

xoxo
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Wigaholic

I feel like my blog is a place where I'm destroying myself. Scaring people who read my blog by showing ugly pics that I would never post in facebook, swearing altruistically, telling people how I FML... And another reason, most of my pic here come up without makeup and all of them are not photoshopped! I have to say that I'm like intimidating the whole world more than entertaining my reader. Why? Coz people who don't like me can simply tell others the ugly truth behind me and make the world hates me. I gonna do it anyway~ coz I think the world will love me ^^

Here is the pic that I took so much courage to put up~ I look 20 years older just in 2 nights because of the life-threatening exams! My hair looks damaged as a result of lack of care. It's exam period! Can't spend time on doing treatment and beautify it! :'(
This is another reason of me being wigaholic~
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Back to topic of the day:

'shopaholic', 'alcoholic', 'workaholic', 'catholic' are common terms in our life. Have you heard of 'wigaholic'?

Now I'm going to show what's wigaholic is...

Wig = fake hair
Borrow from the words alcoholic, shopaholic & workaholic. Wigaholic is used to describe someone who loves wig!! YESS!! It's me!!! I love wig!! You can simply change your hairstyles, hair colours everyday without damaging your real hair! It's important to get good quality wigs so that it looks real on you. I'm just going to show you 2 of my wig collections. Sorry no make up! Exam busy~ Skin condition a bit shitty..

The first one is a barbie highlight gold blond wig

I'm Mother Monster, Lady GAGA's Little Monster!

Muackkkkssss

The second is honey light brown medium wig

Awwww.. You spotted me of being self loving, looking at myself in the mirror~

The little hat suppose to be my blythe's

Here are some tips on wearing wigs:
1. Make sure you hide your hair properly
2. Get a good quality wig (good quality wig doesn't mean expensive!)
3. Get a wig that match you (style and colour) If it doesn't, you will look funny~
4. GET A HAIR NET!!! This is the ultimately vitally most important step especially for someone who has long hair. It helps you on hiding your hair properly.
5. Find a trustworthy and reliable seller! I get my wig from a seller called Snowygurl in ebay. She's good and quick response. The quality of the wig really worth the price I paid for them!

This is the hair net! I'm like the jewelry shop robber in old time drama~
ROFL!!!

See, my hair in neat and tidy condition now.

Compare to the very first pic of me on pajamas without wearing a wig, which one do you like?? With or without wearing wig? Do you think I look better or funny or ugly with a wig? Please give me some valuable opinions coz I'm still a beginner and I really need your suggestions to help me in improving my wig wearing skills. Thanks

xoxo
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