Very Terrible Experience

Sorry for posting so much negative events in my blog recently. Just leave if you don't like it.

This happened on the day one of my major assignments due.
I was spending like 3 weeks to do this important assignment. 3 weeks!! I seldom start my assignment 3 weeks before it due. Whether I fail or pass this unit all depends on this assignment. It worth 50% of the average mark for this unit. Counseling and Psychotherapy theories and Practice is a unit that I never touch before. I never done the prerequisite for this unit. I was totally blank during the first few weeks of the lectures and tutorials. I don't understand what is psychotherapy, I don't understand any of the terms that the lecturer use, I don't know what is counseling, I don't know how to counsel people... Did I tell you that I'm the one and only Asian in my tutorial? I have no friends in my tut. I'm alone. Most of the students in my tut are psychology students. They are smart and they know so much more than the Nutrition and Dietetics students. We are required to talk a lot and expressed our opinions for the activities. We have to practise in groups as a counselor or a client or an observer. We have to demonstrate a counseling session in the major assignment. Counseling tut is the most stressful tut ever. I'm scared and I'm always giggling. I seldom express my opinion and keep quiet all the time. I never give up anyway. I always take it as a challenge rather than a barrier to learn. My biggest fear is speaking/sharing story with random people. I'm happy that I could do it better and better each week. I worked harder, I tried to absorb and learn the counseling skills and I even get my friends to practice together. I could say it bravely that I never skip any of the counseling tut even I have an exam on that day.

Because of this assignment, I spent so much time to film the counseling session. I felt extremely bad that I wasted so much of my client's time and he still so keen to help! A big big thank you for you and sorry. Because of this assignment, I've seen a counselor before. I actually talked about something private with her and observed her counseling skills at the same time. Because of this assignment, I forfeited my time on doing research and rarely studied for my mid-sem exam, which was 3 days before this assignment due. Because of this assignment, I did not sleep for at least 2 days! I look 10 years older now! Because of this assignment, I made my first step to make an appointment with the learning adviser. The story begin here!

Well, I haven't slept for 2 days! My assignment due on friday 9pm and I booked the 9am appointment on Thursday. I slept at 7am and accidentally overslept. When I arrived the adviser's room, I sincerely apologise to her but how she responded to me was rude. I haven't had my assignment done so didn't get to print it out before seeing the adviser and I just carried my lappy all the way to uni on my tired body. When I just met the adviser, she was like "I need you to understand that my job is to help students in their assignments and I won't be typing in your computer." Yes I do understand that. It was my first time to be there so she required some of my info. She was asking me what unit I'm doing and I said PYB208. I told her that I'm not sure about the name of the unit, it's something come with counseling theory and practice. She was like freaked out that I don't remember the unit name I'm doing. WTH??!!! It's not surprised at all. Who the hell will remember the freaking long and complicated name of the unit? At least I remember the unit code (the most important thing). I think it was a misunderstanding. I think she supposed to ask me about my course rather than the unit. 'Coz she did mention something about that was her first time seeing a psychology student towards the end of the session. After getting the personal information, she was like "Why are you late? Do you know how many students need this appointment... bla bla bla bla bla.. " Well, I explained to her honestly. Get back to the assignment. She didn't help at all. She was like wasting time picking out the typing error in the criteria sheet and pulling out all those fucking comments irrelevant to the assignment. Is typing error a big matter?? I don't think she never have typing error before man!! Shut up!! She then asked me to show her the question sheet. I showed her the question sheet that we printed out in week one and explained to her that we were not doing what was required in that sheet anymore, everything was changed and based on the new criteria sheet and we didn't have a new proper question sheet. She started argue with me again that the question sheet was written 2010, assignment due date 24th september 2010.... the question required us to write critique not theory & argument..... and then asked me to be clear what is question sheet and what is criteria sheet and told me she is there to help u to break the questions not about getting high score bla bla bla bla bla... Hello, don't you understand what I said???? the lecturer changed his requirement!!! we have to follow the new criteria not the ancient old question sheet!! She still showing me the date written on the old question sheet and asked me to be clear of what she said. I'm speechless. I'm a person who don't like to argue with people. I already have enough stressed and I finally broke down at the end of the session. I was emo till the max! I just can't control my emo and my tears anymore.. Before I left, she said to me "you will pass." I replied "yup". She said again "I mean your feeling. It doesn't mean you will pass your assignment." This is fucking rude man!!! 欠扁到暴!!!! seriously feel like slapping her when I think back now!!! I can't believe that I still can be so polite to her "Thanks for your help"!!! SHIT
Ok, this is really not ok!! She screwed my emotion, she screwed my confident, she screwed my life!!! I was FML till the max!!! I ran to a friend's house from uni with uncontrollable tears flowing down my cheeks.. Never feel that shame before. It's like what I did for my assignment is not appreciated and graded as fail. WTF!!!! My mood totally spoiled and no heart to continue to work for that assignment. I ended up writing sufficient words with some irrelevant points and submitted it. I never feel that bad when I submit my assignment. She might be right. I will fail my assignment! What she said to me seriously affect my emotion. Even now when I think back. It's really hurt. I'm seriously unmotivated to work on any of my assignment.

Ok, please don't ever mention about this bitch in front of me again! Not even the "great time" I had her to devalue my works and personality!! I seriously will get cranky and rude!!

That's all!! Bye

When you see the sign, keep away from me!

Sometimes I'm wondering whether I have mental disorder or 双从人格 or 狂躁症 that cause by hormone disorder or nutritional deficiency.
Cranky till burst!!!

Awkward Feeling

It's a very unusual day~ I used to be happy and day dreaming a lot when I found myself extra time to sleep. I used to enjoy my breakfast and I always wish I could have more time to spend on breakfast before continue my day. I used to talk a lot. I used to be very excited when I found someone in the living room. I used to say hi. I used to be very annoying. I used to...

But all things go in different ways today. Things just happen like that when i woke up. I'm not happy when I woke up. My tears dropped with no reason. I don't know why. I'm just not happy. I don't like my breakfast and I felt like it took me ages to finish it. I'm no longer felt excited when I saw my housemate sitting on the couch when I go downstair. I didn't say hi to her. I didn't talk. I'm kind of mean to her when she talked to me. I felt bad. But I just feel like being alone today. Not talking, not doing anything, not seeing anyone, just have my own time~

I never have this strong feeling for quite a long while. maybe years~ or even a decade~ I can't really describe how I feel now. It's something like when you have a cut and someone add some salt on your wound. or like a knife stabbed in the heart. My brain goes blank. I can't think of anything that could lead me to think wisely, to do something right, to control over my emotion. I'm just so emo!! I might broke down any moment.

Sorry if I offend or insult you today. I just feel not ok! Is that a symptom of depression?

How do I look like when i take off my mask?

I know sometimes I can be very noisy, annoying, happy, hyperactive, hiao, cranky...
but what do you think about me when I close my door being alone in my room?
What am I actually thinking about myself?

I'm quiet, naive, pessimistic, hiding my true feeling, "innocent", retarded, inferior, private...
I feel nothing good about myself..

From inside, I have very bad tempered that could raise my crankiness from level 1 to level 7 in 1 second. It can be a very small bit of thing that bothering me a lot. My babe might be only person that know this very well~ I'm so sorry for my crankiness and complaining stuff incessantly. At the same time, thank you for being so tolerant all the time~ xoxo

For my appearance, I'm not pretty and I don't have good make up skills to lighten up myself.
I don't have a model looking body that has lowered my self-esteem. People do compare you with other people all the time. Make sure you get yourself in the best state all the time. I really couldn't stand the "eyesight" from skinny girls on the street, looking at my body from my head to my leg. This is so mean and I felt so offended!!! There's nothing wrong with people with a little fat aye? You're lucky that you're borne to be naturally skinny. Not everyone like you have the fortune to have perfect body shapes! If everyone looked the same then there won't be anything unique about a person anymore. Get a life! Tell you a true story about me, I cried for two days for being called 'big size' by an odious guy that I not even know him and I'm still kind of mind about this issue (I mean my body image) even now~ You might know bits of this if you read my blog about body image. Like how guys look at girls body, underweight girls telling me that they are on diet stuff.. I'm struggling with this feeling all the time. The feeling just won't fade no matter how hard I tried like losing a bit weight by having sleeping & eating disorder. Of course it was a small encouragement for me but what happen when get back to normal life and I gained back the weight? It's a bigger shame for myself.

Academic performance?? Can die! Stressing about my assignments and assessments all the time. I'm a good procrastinator~ I leave everything until the last minute and then die for it.

I'm a very disorganise person. I have all the papers on the table and they are more than enough to build a coffin. I have things on the floor, on my bed, on top of the storage boxes, basically everywhere~ I tried to sort them out but they will go back to their original position (before clearing up) eventually~ I give up! You can say that I lost of interest very quickly, in the other way, I am heartless to maintain a behaviour change~

Privacy is always my priority. My cranky level is 10 if you cross that line. But I will be ok if you be honest to me. I HATE LIAR!!! I feel like slapping people acting fake. The story has to be started from once upon a time.. Betrayer should die! That really hurt when you found out that your close friends/BFF betrayed you. I always believe that people will treat you back the way you treat people. If you accept people with open-heart, you care, you share, you be nice. Of course you will have good return. Things just don't go the way you think. The word I can think of to describe myself is naive. Innocent? No way! not even associated. Stupid is the 2nd word!

Why would I become a shopaholic? Having my closet bombarded with new clothes and loads of them remain unwear, new!! BNOH - Brand New on Hanger~
Study stressed? that's an excuse.. I can tell to be honest..
Too much money no where to spend? Hell NO!! That cause me financial crisis! Unless I married a very rich guy or knocked up by a rich man and required him to responsible for that by marrying me~ Duh~ Do I look like that kind of person?
okay, this is what I think about myself that how I turn into a shopaholic. shopping is actually a way that I use to indulge myself, make myself feel better, feel like at least I have something better than the others because I have loads of nice clothes? It's all about feeling.. Comparative? Competitive? Maybe not, I don't really compete with the others. How can I explain more about this? Let's say you are not good in study, you kind of looked down by the others, you feel so inferior, you couldn't mix well with your friends. You definitely will try to improve yourself in other way in order to cope in the society aye? Maybe in a sense of fashion, sports, hobbies, music, stage performance, design, just any career so that you could mix up in that herd? Things group in kinds. So does people do. If you want to survive or to be more outstanding in that herd, you have to be special, you need to sacrifice, you need to contribute, you have to SHINE. No pain no gain. If you think that you are dull in particular way, turn around and see what you do well and what you impressed about yourself, something that make you proud and shine~

Negative feelings don't always come to my mind but the concentration is ultimately high today~ That's all about devil Jasmine.

Bye!

Looking backward

I'm stuck with my study, busy with my assignments, slow-tortured by EBP module exercises, drowned in counseling & theory stuff, murdered by practical report write-up... all those never ending negative thoughts lead me to my blog. I read my previous posts, looked at the last photos that I posted up, I realised how much I have changed, how much I have achieved or not and most importantly how long I haven't been here. I realised my blog is a place where I release my anger, my frustration, where I share my happiness, my joy and here is the best place to Procrastinate.

This week is not a productive week again~ I planned to do this and do that and only 30% of my study goal achieved. It's a FAIL!!! room cleaning up? 0% achieved. eeuuu... my table is in a messed. I think I could bury a snake or a crocodile with my notes and papers! ask me about my Entertainment goal. I would give myself a 300% Awesomest High Distinction!! Boo me..

Other than study stuff, there are more stuff sticking into my head that bother my mind t0 do the wise things. Time is the monster. Time is the killer. Time burst your bubble dreams. Time wake you up. I need more time. I wish time could go faster. I'm not good at managing time. I suck!

Get a life!